My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
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Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Taco Bell, Exit 22
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Strangers have the best candy.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.