Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
You Might Also Like
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*