If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
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*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?