Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
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If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve