Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
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*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.