I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
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Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face