Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
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I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
*looks at you in batman voice*
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Dammit Chief not again
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.