My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
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I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.