Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
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I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.