Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
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“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Uh oh…
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven