The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
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Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
PLOT TWIST:
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer