Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
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King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Why is no one talking about this?!
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*