50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
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Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry