If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
#merica
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.