You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
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He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Always 🥴
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open