bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
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To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Probably my best painting.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*