the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
You Might Also Like
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.