My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
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Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Who does Amazon think I am?
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.