Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
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I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Greeting humans vs their dogs
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough