Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
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Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”