It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Shoo shoo! 😂
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
i’m sure it’s fine
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR