Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
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I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up