exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
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You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
my astrological sign is a french fry
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
How it started How it’s going
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.