Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
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Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.