Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
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ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired