Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
You Might Also Like
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.