If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
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[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.