I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
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Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
me linking you to my twitter
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,