if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
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When I snag the last meatball.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.