Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
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Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I did not eat the cake…
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?