Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
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daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Carpe DM
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Knock Knock
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.