this is uni
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Sorry I made promises on Friday
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence