Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
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Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Mouse
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.