Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
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Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
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I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
“i miss shittin on people”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?