I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
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How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.