*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
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[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.