Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
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5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Sorry. Not sorry
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.