detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
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Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
(Electricians.)
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep