2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
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JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Fries, not lies.