Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
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If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I am having an out of money experience.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back