Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
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Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
How dude HOW?!
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”