To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
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With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I want this so bad
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
catch me on valentine’s day like
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger