Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
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LA today:
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house