You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
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drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….