I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
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No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone