[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
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[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Easy enough.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Geez man, take it easy.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.