Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
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Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair