[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
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You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
only 11 steps left
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
what?
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
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What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life