Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
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– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Taking phone security to the next level.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you