You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
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this country is so goddamn polarized
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
*watches the world burn*
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
selfie game
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.